Surgeon General's Warning: American Couch Potatoes at Risk of Developing Necroencephalosis

By Daniel Taverne


I often find myself sitting on the couch yanking my hair out by the roots. Remarkably, I don’t feel a thing until my mind wanders from whom out of the final four is being evicted
from the house or voted off the island, to my own thoughts (struggling to be noticed) telling me, ‘You’re in pain and you need to go to the bathroom!’ These phenomenon’s are just two illustrations of the classic symptoms of necroephalosis (NE)- a condition characterized by an inability to think rationally and/or independently, loss of awareness, loss of common sense, loss of creativity and (most disturbingly) loss of time. In simple terms, people afflicted with NE are said to be ‘brain-dead‘. People afflicted with cryptic necroencephalosis are brain-dead but don’t know it.

Unfortunately, Most people (especially teens and preteens) fall into this category of not knowing. Case in point: Last week, I observed my fifteen-year-old nephew watching television. Why would he ever feel the urge to partake of illegal drugs? He doesn‘t need them! He can, simply and legally, sit at home in a mind-numbed stupor (transfixed on the TV) just as he was the day I observed him. It was obvious to me that he had no Idea he was in such a catatonic state with his eyes glazed over, and his gaping opened, drooling mouth, watching a talking yellow sponge as if he were tripping on acid.! Looking at my nephew that day, I would testify in any court of law that he was under the influence. As you can see, cryptic necroencephalosis is particularly debilitating to our youngsters.

Necroencephalosis (NE) can be further defined as acute or chronic. Acute necroencephalosis occurs swiftly when a relatively normal person (through no fault of his or her own) is suddenly exposed to television‘s necrotic effects without warning. In this acute version of the condition, exposure is brief and may occur, for example, when the victim reflexively glances toward strange sounds of choking emanating from a TV. Then he (upon witnessing a young lady dressed in a bikini struggling to eat a ‘cow-uterus’) immediately begins losing both his intelligence, and his perception of time.. Another route of exposure may be a careless family member, or friend, who may say something inviting, such as,’ Watch this!’ Fortunately, the effects of acute necrotic encephalosis, or brain death are temporary, and begin to reverse shortly after a brief exposure is discontinued.

Since the early '70's, the number of chronically brain-dead children has increased significantly thanks to shows like, 'The Brady Chumps', 'Captain Kanga-loony' and Sesame Sleep'.
Recent studies show, however, this version of the condition , by far, targets adults more frequently than children, and tends to be more severe in adults who frequently need a 'fix'; self-medicating by purposely exposing themselves to repeated doses of ‘soap opera’s, and/or ‘so-called’ reality shows. If a steady supply of the mind-killing stimulus is not provided, then the victim will suffer withdrawal symptoms: otherwise known as (T.D.S.) or ‘Television Detachment Syndrome'. It goes without saying that the person is addicted, and must receive an intervention by loved ones and must also receive professional counseling in order to begin reversal of the brain dead symptoms.

Subsequently, the CDC has issued a list of current programs that studies show are responsible for most of today's brain dead. Included on the list are the following,: Oh brother, Freak Factor, skankvivor, The Amazing Waste, Somebody Marry My Dad, Who doesn’t Want to Marry a Millionaire, Stupid Nanny, Spouse Swapping, As My Stomach Churns and Lays of Our Guys. To counter the devastation caused by these programs, the CDC has also issued a list of more productive activities that can be performed in lieu of watching them. Among the more productive activities noted are: tittely-winks, thumb twiddling , tongue clicking and making popping noises with finger and cheek.

As noted earlier, loss of time is a typical symptom of N.E. and is responsible for many failed marriages, countless late and/or missing homework assignments, countless unkempt homes, countless children staying up past bed-time, and countless hours of inactivity, contributing to the current obesity epidemic. In addition, many accounts of time loss once attributed to UFO abductions are now explained by television induced acute necro encephalosis. To illustrate the extent of time loss, studies are indicating a nearly seven year total loss of it over the course of an average lifespan.

Necro encephalosis is a condition common to Americans where virtually every home has two or more televisions. The current brain-dead are watching television everywhere. Aside from their living rooms, they watch it in the kitchens, bedrooms, dens, offices, day cares, hospital rooms, bars, and even on ’camping’ trips with portable TV’s. It’s frightening that we have an epidemic of brain-dead in all walks of life, and it’s alarming to think that many teachers, policemen, judges doctors and many other professionals in positions requiring a high degree of responsibility, and authority are performing poorly due to being brain dead. I’m sure you’ll agree that you meet people such as these every day; lacking intelligence and common sense .

Finally, helping the brain-dead is a matter of inducing television detachment syndrome. Only after long periods of time spent engaging the brain-dead in other activities will their chronic symptoms reverse. Society must be aware however that T.D.S. is responsible for most road rage incidents, and postal worker disgrunteledness. Only after the brain-dead of society are revived will we overcome its woes. Simultaneously, we must launch a preventative program aimed at young mothers who utilize their television sets as a new age baby sitting device; perpetuating NE in the defenseless. There will always be brain-dead people making things difficult regardless of what we do, however, in this case, turning the televisions off, smashing them or even tossing them in the dump could do nothing but help. Ultimately, avoiding NE altogether is paramount to successful eradication of it and it's associated difficulties.