Signs Imply What Exactly? (Humorous)

By Daniel Taverne

What on Earth could I be talking about? Think about it; how many needless signs do you see everyday? I see hundreds; they are everywhere! They are plastered on fences, appliances, telephonepoles, and anywhere else that the public can read them. I don’t know about you, but I feel insulted by at some of these signs due to the blatant lack of respect for my intelligence. Take, for example those signs on the fences at electric power plants stating, ‘KEEP OUT‘.

Those signs are a notice to all idiots, not me. Surely though, when I read them, they’re shouting ’KEEP OUT’ at me! Yea, whenever I walk by a place like that, and I hear the loud humming, smell ozone, feel my hair stand on end and feel the ground vibrating beneath my feet, I get this overwhelming urge to climb the fence and the electrical equipment (on the other side) like a jungle-gym. Thank God for those signs! Please… I don’t need those signs; I’m not an idiot! My senses tell me, ‘KEEP OUT.

Certain exit signs insult my intelligence. I know there must have been the reason why it became necessary to put up exit signs in places where the way out is perfectly and obscenely obvious, Here’s a possible scenario: One day. many years ago, a guy (Mr. Stupid) was leaving the doctors office. Instead of walking toward the clear glass door leading to the outside, he opened the ladies room door, giving poor old Mrs. Peabody (who was sitting there doing a crossword puzzle) a heart attack. When confronted by authorities, Mr. Stupid stated, as he scratched his forehead, “I got confused. Since there’s no exit sign over the door, I didn’t know the ladies room wasn’t the way out.” Nobody could be that stupid right? Wrong!

In the following two examples, my sarcasm only hints at the disdain I feel when signs, such as these. blatantly insult my intelligence. First, there’s the little sticker on my new food processor that states, ‘DO NOT INSERT FINGERS WHILE OPERATING!’ And, I almost did! I saw the sticker just in time! Please! I’m not that stupid, bit sp,epme pit there is. I guarantee it. Secondly, If they assume we are that stupid, how do you explain the credit they give us by putting up signs that state, ‘slow children at play’. Like someone (upon seeing slow children playing) is going to speed up! I only speed through neighborhoods where fast children play! They’re quicker at getting out of my way!

More needless signs, as far as I'm concerned, are railroad crossing signs. They are plastered where ever it is perfectly obvious that train tracks are crossing the street. Whenever you see yourself approaching a set of tracks, do you look up expecting a plane might fly by? Me Neither! See what I mean?

Sometimes I think people express their lack of respect for my intelligence with garage sale signs. You see, last Saturday I was driving across town when I saw one. It read, 'garage sale', with an arrow pointing a certain direction. I, interested, decided (for the first time in my life) to go see one. What a fiasco this was!

With mounting curiosity, I drove in the direction of the arrow. Then, a few blocks later, I came across another sign pointing in an even different direction, so I followed it too. A few moments later, another sign with another arrow told me what I began to suspect was another lie. However, I once again, took the bait and complied. This wild goose chase went on and on like this until I realized with certanty (two hours later) that someone was messing with my head. Like a sucker, I drove all around town passing up at least a dozen houses for sale, but not one garage!

So, to sum this all up, although signs can be a great source of knowledge used to keep us safe, they can also inadvertatly ncause many more problems than they are worth. Signs which anger people can contribute to incidents of road rage, as well as postal disgrunteledness. Fortunately, if you look for these reactions in yourselves you may be able to control these emotional outlashings and laugh instead.