Almost Paranormal (Humorous)

By Daniel Taverne

Have you ever watched a ghost story on TV? Have you ever watched TV and observed aliens invading the World? I’ve watched these kinds of shows over the years, but have become quite disenchanted with many of the contrived storylines. I am now more interested in stories that are closer to reality. That being said, I surprisingly discovered I don’t have to watch TV to experience strange paranormal activity. As a matter of fact, there are happenings here in my home that compare with some of the more popular paranormal subject matter in some interesting ways.

Just as alleged sightings of UFO’s, and aliens abound throughout the world, we occasionally catch glimpses of strange beings moving through our home who look and act as if they came from another planet. This phenomenon is most notable when any of my children are asked to do anything harder than to watch television. Each child then goes through a metamorphasis, and becomes an ugly, screetching humanoid incapable of reason or self control. The exact modality utilized by these aliens to take over our children’s bodies is unknown, but it is safe to say that the force they have over our children is an evil one.

Though it’s difficult to understand, I get the feeling that the incidence of Alien encounters, and spiritual phenominom taking place in my home are related. Ghost stories abound among the living. They especially seem to crop up during the season that ushers in Halloween. In my home however ghosts seem to be present all the time. Although I never see them, I know they are inhabiting my dwelling since so much of my stuff is always being moved, misplaced, lost, or broken. Apparently, there is a monitary system on the other said since all the loose change I keep in a dish on my dresser is always disappearing.

The spirit world seems to be holding a grudge against me. Last week, I was looking for my watch and car keys which I placed on my desk in my den, in place of them was a pacifier and 8 cheerio’s. Also, I reciently discovered they are quite social and like making video recordings of each other. No, I have never watched a recording of them, but for about two weeks last month my camcorder kept getting moved until one day I found it out in the back yard with a Barbie doll stuck in the hole where the lense should have been. Yes, apparently they also play with dolls on the other side.

We don’t have crop circles, we have an area outside my back door, near the dog house, where the ground has so many pits dug in it , that it looks like an artillery impact area. I can fill them in the evening then presto, the next morning they are back!

Something paranormal in my home as I’m sure in many homes is the drier ‘black hole’ syndrome. I’m sure you are aware of the phenomenon of having the mates of many socks vanishing into thin air after being thrown into the direr. Well, I want to take this one step further and suggest that in my home there are portals between time and space. In other words, I can put something in a certain place one day, and it will be someplace else the next! Like, for instance, the bathroom tissue. You see, my house has two bathrooms. Often I open a roll of tissue and put it in one of the bathrooms only to find it missing when I really need it. I then have to yell for someone to go find some for me.

stone henge has nothing on my daughter’s bedroom. Her room has variable time displacement where during certain points throughout the day. time will either speed up, or slow down. This strange event is also dependant on the particular day it might happen to be. In the mornings, Monday through Friday, time seems to slow conciderably. While in the rest of the house, time is moving along at a normal clip my daughter will take twice as long getting ready for school than it should. Because of the time loss, she regularly runs late for the bus.

Additionally, I hear strange sounds emitting from her room on a regular basis. It usually begins with some moderately loud, pseudo-familier music. Then, after a while, progresses to some even louder and less familier music. Tthen reaches a climax with some strange shrieking sounds which reminds me of some alien speaking with her home world. When I realize that the shrieking noise is my daughter “singing”, I get really nervous that a neighbor might dial 9-1-1!

My daughter’s bedroom is also my home’s Bermuda Triangle. I can’t tell you how much of my borrowed stuff had simply vanished from her room. My hairbrush, toe nail clippers, tweezers, mustache trimmer, clock and more. The hosehold Bermuda triangle has also claimed much of her things as well. She has lost clothes, school text books, perfume, sandwiches, glasses of milk, and even twinkies.

We don’t have big foot, we have my wife in the morning. (I hope she never reads this!) It’s true, when she first awakes her hair is all askew, she walks with her knuckles dragging the floor, and she regularly grunts and moans and it’s up to all of us to figure out what she means. One morning I mentioned that we were out of coffee, This is when I discovered she was capable of some blood curdeling screams in a language that is nothing less than demonic. Though I didn’t know what she was saying, I knew it wasn’t nice.

To sum this all up,television is not the only place one can experience paranormal activity. If you look around your home, I’m sure you’ll agree when I say strange events are plentiful enough in real life that we need not invent them. Thankfully though, we get to laugh at them when we realize our lives are not only ‘almost paradise’, but almost paranormal.


Copy Write Daniel Taverne 2005