Snapshots of a Guest Book

By Daniel Taverne

If you are like me, then you probably have a web log; otherwise known as a blog. Well, I was venturous enough to figure out how to put a guest book on my blog so that visitors could let me know they were there. Unfortunately, thus far my guest book has received very few guest entries. Since I don’t like to feel like I wasted my time, I decided to have some fun by getting a few “characters” (some famous-some not so famous) to sign it. Printed below are some excerpts from my own gue
st book.
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Date: 1/24/2006, 4:44 pm, EST
Name: Rocket John Puckerd-but
Email: Puckerdbut@nickoftime.wowJavascript required
Web: http://www.puckerdbuttholdsontight.wow/
Number: 23

Hey there Dan,

Thank God I can type this, cause if I had to write it, you wouldn't be able to read it. You see, I just finished a tour of duty for Uncle Sam. I was an 'in-flight missile repairman, and let me tell you when you're slicing through the air at 500 knots and you got 2 hands in the control box, the only way you have to hold on, is clenching up your butt cheeks.

You should see how they trained us. They got some of President Bush's old file footage and played it for us for motivation sake... let me tell you, Bush could squeeze an hour glass shape in a pine log!... Any way, we had to sit, naked, on some huge pine log swings, with our hands tied behind our backs.

You should have seen how they checked our technique...we had 4 guys ring out because they didn't have enough butt to hang on at all.

Another thing they made us do is carry an olive around between our butt cheeks all day while jumping on a pogo stick - naked. If we dropped the olive, we had to eat everyone elses olive... yuck!

After I graduated, I got the W2 designation because I had the puckerest butt in the platoon... and I was put on immediate duty.... I was lucky becaus, though I did repair some large missiles, I mostly repaired the smaller ones that weren't quite as powerful as the others.

My last mission was in iraq, I was on the missile that was supposed to go up Bin-Ladin's butt, but my extra weight depleated the fuel too fast. by the time they clled out the in-flight missile refueler, the missile had made crashed... oh well... I parachuted to safety.

Well, you have a good web site here, keep up the good work
PuckerD
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Date: 9/20/2005, 2:11 pm, EST
Name: Osama Bin Ladan
Email: mailto:hiding@tokeepmy%20assfrombeingshotoff.badJavascript required
Web: http://www.sendotherstocommitsuicidewhileiliveon.nut/
Number: 15


I have mesagge for yu. my englis not gud cuz i am idiot. I angry all time cuz my drawers are chafin my ass. I miss my momma and want to come out from hiding but am chicken. I tryd to hide injury from firs attack of shock and aw, but injury was severe. Americans shot my johnson off.
Now, not only do I not hav backbone, I also have no pecker.
I tried to stop the bleeding by putting a turnakit on it but I could not find anything small enough to use. Even thread and a needle was too big.
I think I have sand in my underware.
Well, u americans, stop lookin for me.
I bin ladan later.
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Date: 9/13/2005, 1:33 pm, EST
Name: Britney Spears
Email: noshameforanyteengirl@brainless.galJavascript required
Web: http://www.culturekiller.com/
Number: 14

Hey sweetie,

I've finally been rubbed the right way! The only problem is I've been rubbed so much that I'm raw. It's like I've been 'scrub'bed. I would probably like what you have written on your site if I knew what most of the words mean. I mean, it's like wow, man. What is a 'cultural report' anyway?

Anyway, I hope the world will always remember what my mid-drift looks like, the exposition of the mid-drift by millions of young girls is my legacy.
XXOO;
Brit
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Date: 11/1/2005, 1:33 pm, EST
Name: Para Mecium Protozoa
Email: reallyreallytiny@cantseeme.bitJavascript required
Web: http://www.makeyouitch.inyourdrawers.eew/
Number: 17


Hey bud,
I know it's been a while since I visited you, but you and I could be seeing more of each other if you want... well I could see more of you. Just don't wash your hands, have someone with the black plague cough on you, eat those hairy peas in the fridge or go hang around the hospital and handle those red "bio- hazard" bags... open up a few and give 'em a good stout sniff.
I just love you! I love your friends too... as a matter of fact, I visited that last girl friend you had,
and had a few relatives grow on her. She itches and burns allot now....
Well, good to see you, and don't take care...
Your Favorite Germ
Para
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Date: 8/25/2005, 11:18 pm, EST
Name: Oprah
Email: mailto:Oprah@IJavascript required
Web: http://lightbulbmoment.com/
Number: 11

Great to see you found something to do.
Ladies and Gentlemen, here is a man who has overcome extreme odds and still found happiness. He's an inspiration to us all. I will now send to you 200 million dollars to spend as you like... wait, let me see if I have it in my petty cash fund. . . Okay, I have it, and then some.

Well, If this money helpes, here's a few of my favorite things: A choclate covered microphone ( I can constantly lick it while on the air)...a Super Wonder Girdle complete with ratchet straps and reinforced titanium battle buckles...a hair treatment device called an Integucraft which molds ugly hair into wonderful looking topiaries...a bottle of 'stop-give' pills given to me for my incessive desire to give away my stuff and just stuff in general.

Another favorite thing is my strechable bathtub I can enter and exit with ease. I have a pair of industrial strength slippers which can support the weight of an elephant... and I had a pair that lasted me 2 weeks! Longest ever for me.
Also, I have pills that make me fat, although I am anorexic....
_____
note, Oprah is not anorexic.... I am just having fun here at her expense... none of what I am saying is a reflextion of her at all.... thank goodness.

Well Dan the manhave a good life
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To sum this all up, guest books are great to have on your site, especially if you actually have people sign them. If not however, you can have fun and humorously sign them your self the way you might imagine some famous people might sign them. An interesting note here is that the spelling and grammar need not be perfect in a guest book since guest books are largely informal. So, have some good clean fun without the pressure of being intellectually stimulating and soon you will see your guest book filled up with entries that are well worth reading.