Spanking Techniques for Frustrated Parents

By Daniel Taverne

Are you sick of your kids yet? Do they make you angry because they need constant guidance, supervision and seem to require food every single day? Do you comply with their needs only to hear them whine that you don’t do anything for them and that you should be more like the parents of other kids? Well, I intend to help you out by illustrating moments that are appropriate for giving a kid a good whack, and point out whacking implements that are touted to work wonders.

Spanking methods are numerous and require little training. Therefore, any frustrated parent should try it. If, however, you need some coaching here are a few common techniques that are used by all the good parents.

There is the suspend-the-child-from-the-floor-by-one-arm, while using the other hand to strike multiple blows to the legs, back and buttocks. There is the over-the-knee-method with a supplemental step of bearing the Childs bottom for maximum smack pain effect.

There’s the whack-the-kid-as-he-passes-bye, sending him crashing into the wall ahead, or the boot-in-the-rear-end resulting in identical post contact injury.

Some parents are familiar with the snatch and roll where the child is violently flipped onto his/her stomach then multiple powerful blows are administered to the Childs back side.

All these methods are subject to modification by replacing the hand or foot as the striking implement with readily available objects such as a paddle, belt or switch.

Target areas are numerous on children and can vary depending on which implement is used to whack them. For example, the face is a good place to whack a kid with your hand; especially if the child is sassing you. What is sassing? Sassing is an art form children use to point out the ridiculousness of certain phrases made by parents. For example, a dad might say, “You better straighten up or I’ll tan your hide.” The kid might stand up swiftly saying, “Is this strait enough for you dad?” Or, the boy might say, “Dad, I’m an albino, so my hide can’t be tanned.” In each case, the child is sassing and a quick smack in the face is most certainly in order.

If however the boy is not in reach, you can pick up the nearest object not nailed to the floor, and hurl it at him. If the kid dodges the object, a flurry of many different objects ( a toaster, a microwave oven, a clock, a statue, a picture, a cat, a puppy or anything else should immediately follow.

Road trips provide ample reasons for spanking children. After all, a parent can only take so many, ‘Are we there yets’ and ‘I gotta pees’ before parental sanity must be rescued by unleashing frustration with a torrent of cuss words and a flailing arm reaching into the back seat.

To keep you from looking like a mad fool, and for safety reasons, it’s actually much better to pull over to the side of the road to beat on your children. This way, you can benefit by being able to turn, reaching farther back increasing your accuracy, or you could even exit your vehicle so you can reach into the back seat with both hands providing you with multiple, rapid and accurate swings that will leave your child whimpering quietly.

Other opportunities to beat your kids present themselves when a child is crying because something desired is not provided in a timely manner. For instance, at grocery line check outs I regularly observe peoples children throwing tantrums because a candy bar or a pack of gum is not provided immediately. This is a very good time to roll up a magazine from the rack beside the gum and whack the angry child right over the head. Furthermore, if the child has the audacity to ask, “What was that for?” Without hesitation, follow up that first whack with four or five more in rapid succession while calmly stating, “Because I felt like it.”

You can tell when you’ve done an adequate job of beating up your kid when the child begins crying, wets his pants, or is bleeding. However, it is not necessary to stop at these points. Indeed, there are circumstances when beating a child into unconsciousness is appropriate. One such circumstance might be the dinner table where, after cooking a delicious meal, a child says with a disapproving sneer, “Yuck! I don’t eat that!”

Tools that can be used to beat children are limited only by the parent’s imagination. My mother for instance often used kitchen utensils such as wooden spoons, rubber spatulas, and wet dish towels. Additionally, she would use our toys against us. I can’t tell you how many orange Hot Wheels tracks I threw away because I was whacked with them. Consequently, I now believe I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because now when ever I see the color orange, I involuntarily put my hands on my butt. This is particularly troublesome because when ever anyone throws me a basket ball, I get hit in the face!

The most common place to whack kids is on their buttocks, and you can use just about any thing you want. You might even practice your game, what ever it may be, while whipping the crap out of your kid. Why shouldn’t you?

For instance, you can practice your golf swing by teeing off on your child’s backside with a 1-wood. If, however you think this is too harsh, you might instead try whacking with a putter instead. Or, you can practice your baseball swing and whack the kid with a bat.

Finally, there are times when the assault levied upon a youngster must be related to the infraction. For example, if the child neglects a chore such as vacuuming the floor, a proper assault might be to beat the kid with the vacuum cleaner.

After reading all of the above, you are probably asking yourself if I am serious. Well, in all actuality, I’m not. The above ‘instructional’ material simply illustrates some repressed desires of many parents I know. I do not actually encourage or condone abusing children, although occasionally entertaining the thought of it does bring with it a measure of satisfaction, and depending on how it’s worded, a laugh or two. Keeping that in mind, please don’t go around beating up your kids, just be a loving parent who punishes only when necessary, but doesn’t abuse.