Ponder Vehicle Names Before you Buy!

By Daniel Taverne

What kind of vehicle do you drive, and what does it say about you? Do you drive around town trying to look cool in a Pacer? Maybe you’re a petite young girl boldly taking up two parking spaces at the mall with a Hummer. What ever you drive, you can bet that your vehicle is saying something about you. It’s for this reason that I’m offering the following advice: When choosing a vehicle to buy, think about its name and what it’ might be saying, then choose carefully.

This process is never easy, however. Since there are many different makes and models on the road to choose from, finding one that’s right for you can be quite baffling. So, prior to my own car shopping, I wrote down the names of vehicles (past and present) and separated them into categories that made it easier for me to choose. Since I was successful at getting a vehicle with a name I am sure I wanted, I felt inclined to share my thinking with you. Hopefully, after reading this, you will be better able to pick out an appropriately named vehicle that makes you feel good about your self.

The first few cars I came across fell into the named-after-high-class-places category. I thought, if I drove one, it would mean that I would become high class. Well, I test drove a Monte Carlo, a Malibu, and even a Park Avenue, but guess what? I’m still a redneck! I even considered buying a vehicle named after the breakfasts served at Motels all across the country, but, because I didn’t want people to look at my car and get hungry, I turned down the offer for the Continental.

The next vehicles I looked at fell into another more interesting category. I looked at a Chevy Blazer, which looked nice enough, and a Chevy Nova, which even though it was a little older, it looked good also. After I considered them for a while, I thought, “Doesn’t a blazer burn?” Then, I thought, isn’t a nova an exploding star? I concluded these vehicles fell into the you-had-better-keep-your-distance category.

In addition to not wanting to own a car I had to wear fire retardant clothing in, I wanted a vehicle that would make people turn their heads and say, “Now there goes a real man!” If I couldn’t imagine Sylvester Stallone admitting to driving it, then I told the dealer to keep it. Can you imagine Stallone saying, “I drive a Yugo?” Me neither. There were many manly named cars I looked at while shopping for my vehicle. There was that Trans Am, a Grand Am, Grand Prix, and even a Camero, and as I sat in each of them I looked at my reflection in the rear view mirror and uttered, “You’re a disease, and I’m the cure.” But, I realized I’m not that tough, so I didn’t buy any of those either.

In the spirit of wanting a manly car, I surely didn’t want a car that said, “Now there goes a real woman!” A dealer tried to sell me a Capri! I asked the man, “Are you crazy?” I wouldn’t get caught dead in that. Then he tried to sell me a Cavalier. I said, “Girls are Cavalier, putting on make-up and brushing their hair and such while driving, not guys.” Sounding discouraged, the dealer tried selling me a truck, telling me how I’m a man and men drive trucks. I was getting excited about the thought of a truck until he showed me a ‘Splash’!
Soon after leaving the above dealership, I decided to peruse the named-after-animals category. I was thinking that there are definitely some manly vehicles in this category, and looked at a Mustang, Pinto, Jaguar, Eagle, and even a Thunderbird. I soon began to wonder why they didn’t name vehicles after some of the foods I like. This would say more about me than any of those other names. For example, there should be a Chrysler Chicken wing on the market, and maybe a Chevy Cheese Burger. See what I mean? These names are much more true to me.

Also, I’d like to know why it’s okay to discriminate against other animals by not naming cars after them? I’m talking about the down trodden, the ignored and under appreciated animals whose names could be used like this: The Ford Frog, the Buick Bat, the Dodge Dog or the Chevy Cow. See what I mean? These are popular animals that don’t seem to have a place in the flashy world of automobiles. Angered by this practice, I eventually decided that I wouldn’t buy a car named after any animal at all, since all animals weren’t fairly represented by automobile manufacturers.

After I pointed out these errors by automobile companies, the dealer began insulting me by showing me some vehicles that belonged to a category I definitely did not want to be associated with. He showed me a Buick Century, a Mercury Grand Marquee, an Oldsmobile Delta 88, and a Ford Crown Victoria. Feeling insulted, I asked the dealer, “Do I look like a senior citizen to you? Do I look like someone whose maximum speed is 30 mph? Well, that’s what these cars imply, so you can keep them too!”

The next car lot I went to had a bunch of cars that fell into another category altogether. I say this because, without a science text book, I wouldn’t know what any of these names mean. There was a Spectrum, a Prism, a Fusion, an Eclipse, and a Neon which all belonged to the I’m-a-nerd category. Obviously, I wasn’t going to own one of those.

After searching for a few weeks, I concluded that I would never find a vehicle named exactly as I’d like, so instead of spending a fortune on something I wouldn’t be proud of, I bought a bicycle, and it was simply named after the guy who manufactured it. No, Huffy isn’t his nick-name, I hope. Satisfied, I proudly ride it where ever I need to go. And, guess what? It’s good on gas, it doesn’t pollute the environment, and I get good exercise to boot!

The bottom line, when choosing a vehicle, choose wisely, so the first impression you give is an accurate one. Don’t forget however that there are other, simpler methods of transportation that should not be ruled out because you’re worried about what someone may think. Ultimately, you’re the only one that matters when judging your choices, since you’re the one who has to live with them.