Food Fight: Emeril vs. Alton

What would happen if some of the Food network stars became disgruntled and began fighting on the air? Which personality would win out? Which personality would prove unable to cut the mustard? This article attempts to answer these questions by pitting a pair of stars against each other in low-tech hypothetical battles in order to find out what would happen.

Alton, having just returned from his “River Run” is just a little cranky. As he stands back-stage of “Emeril Live”, he thinks about his inability to live down last season’s motorcycle spill and how the guys ribbed him about it every single day for the past month. “Speaking of ribs”, he said to no one in particular, “I think I’ll cook up a batch if Emeril would hurry up and finish taping his show.”

Finally, to Alton’s relief, Emeril finishes up, meeting him backstage.
“Hey Alton, how was the trip this year?
Uh, any more crashes?” Taken as a wise crack, this question hotly angers Alton.

“Nope, no falls”, He says clenching his teeth.

Continuing to Taunt, Emeril needles him again: “I guess someone finally put training wheels on your bike huh?”

Alton could contain himself no longer. Faster than he could explain the three states of matter, he grabs the white towel from Emeril’s shoulder, gives it a quick wind-up while maneuvering himself into a superior offensive position then gives it an angry powerful snap that cracks loudly like a whip.

Immediately, both of Emeril’s hands go to his butt. He jumps forward and lets out a loud high pitched “Wuuu!” Then Yelled: “You shouldn’t have done that!”
Quickly, and surprising the remaining audience, Emeril went back out on stage to the comforts of his stage kitchen with Alton following closely behind. On the way, Alton gives Emeril a couple more cheap shots to his behind with the towel. Producing a cookie sheet and using it to protect his butt, Emeril formulates an, as yet, still cluttered ‘counter’ attack.

Choosing a strategy, Emeril drops the cookie sheet and speaks to the (still seated) audience: “We’re going to take this garlic”…The crowd goes wild with applause at the sound of this word. “We’re going to take this garlic, we’re going to chew it up…” He pops a clove in his mouth, quickly chewing then says, “We’re going to send some hot garlic breath right at Alton!” Emeril takes a deep breath then belches a riveting reverberation that could make a Billy goat gag.

Alton takes it in stride though. Quickly, he pulls out his fully charged solar power pocket fan explaining that it “…will do a find job deflecting Emeril’s attack”. As he goes on explaining how garlic molecules can attach themselves to breath carbon dioxide molecules enabling them to travel long distances, Emeril realizes that Alton can’t help but explain everything.

So he decides to keep Alton occupied by mounting attack after attack, and quickly produces a dozen quail eggs and rapidly fires 3 at his opponent in succession hollering, “Bam! Bam! Bam! As each of them cracks against Alton’s head, Alton helplessly explains how the proteins in quail eggs solidify and bind with other forms of matter via hydrogen bonds which (if allowed to dry) will form a difficult to clean sticky mess.

Seeing through the plan of his nemesis, and at warp speed, Alton grabs two seasoned uncooked salmon steaks from the cutting board and throws them at Emeril like Frisbees.

But Emeril is also seasoned so he knows full well how to handle such a situation. Faster than Alton can explain the theory of relativity, Emeril opens the oven door, grabs two red cedar planks from the counter, catches the fish in mid air and successfully deposits them into the oven. “…and that’s how you do that!” He says while brushing his hands together. And the crowd erupts with applause.

“Oh you think you’re so good, Alton leers.

“No, I don’t think it…” Emeril answers. “…I know it.”

Emeril runs to the refrigerator pulling out a large uncooked pork tenderloin, then faces Alton, wildly wielding it like a crazed samurai.

Planning to defend himself, Alton goes to the other refrigerator picking out a package of raw chicken legs. Pulling two of them out, he faces Emeril (one in each hand) standing at the ready. Alton is ill prepared however, for a sophisticated attack. Emeril approaches, fakes a low swing, but comes up high instead yelling, “Another notch!” As he does so, the pork loin connects solidly with the side of Alton’s head.

Feeling dizzy and seeing stars, Alton clears his mind by calculating mass-velocity- ratios of pork loins in space. Then, with a chicken leg in each hand, Alton remarks, “I know just what to do with these!” He nimbly side-steps another Emeril attack, moves past him, and smears raw chicken across every appliance, appliance handle, and every other possible surface in sight on his way to the opposite side of the kitchen.

Seeing this, Emeril Suddenly freezes in his tracks, bellows out a terrified scream, then yells, “Chicken police! Chicken police! Where are the police when you need ‘em?”
Alton, in his heightened emotional state didn’t notice some chicken skin tearing loose littering the floor. Focused and lurching forward, Emeril didn’t notice the skin either.

Alton takes a moment to explain to the audience that chicken police don’t actually exist, and just as he calls Emeril’s chicken police a pipe dream, he gets clobbered with the pork loin again. Emeril swings hard though, slips on a piece of chicken skin, and falls down on all fours.

Alton, spotting an opportunity, springs into action. He moves around Emeril grabbing the elastic of his now showing briefs, and yanks upward hard enough to start a lawn mower.

“Owww!” Emeril yells. “I can’t believe you just did that!”

As Alton starts laughing, Emeril grabs the skin he slipped on and shoves it into Alton’s mouth saying, “There’s your good eats.” Spitting out the skin and Gagging, Alton remarks, “That’s not good eats.”

Tired of fighting now, Emeril says, “I need a drink.”

“Me too, old buddy.” Alton returned.

Emeril asks, “You mind giving me a ride to the cocktail lounge on your Harley?”
“Sorry, I can’t.” Alton confessed. “I don’t know how to ride double with training wheels.