What would happen if some of the Food network stars became disgruntled and began fighting on the air? Which personality would win out, and which would prove unable to cut the mustard? This article attempts to answer these questions by pitting a pair of stars against each other in lowtech hypothetical battle.
This fight breaks out after Paula remarked that she hated Italian. After hearing the remark, Rachael immediately gets ticked off and Pulls out her Italian Sling shot designed to launch multiple meatballs simultaneously. In her emotional state however, her aim is off. One meat ball ricochets off a hot pan of corn bread hitting Paula in the gut sounding like a dumpling landing in a bowl of water The other two miss Paula altogether: One sticks to the wall just over her head, and the last one lands smack dab in the center of a pan of grits Paula prepared for her son’s breakfast.
Ruining the grits, Paula who, a moment ago wasn’t actually angry, becomes infuriated. So at the speed of an angry southern gal, she picks up that hot pan of ruined grits and slings it toward Rachael, who is standing at-the-ready.
Thinking the grits were meant for her, Rachael quickly steps aside just as she discovered they were actually meant to land on her movie night pizza. Rachael could be heard saying,, “One thing you don’t do honey , is mess with an Italian girl’s pizza.
Rachael picks up the pizza pan, sliding the now ruined pizza onto the counter, and runs to the fridge. She pulls out some cream, 2 kinds of cheese, a pound and a half of spinach, a pound of bacon, a half gallon of orange juice, a carton of chicken stock and a bunch of Italian parsley.
With all these items in hand, she quickly trots over toward the pantry keeping her eyes on Paula, and pulls out a can of black beans, a can of chicken broth, 3 boxes of elbow noodles, a pound of cornbread mix, a box of baking soda and one small package of bay leaves. Turning toward Paula holding up the bay leaves she says, “These are for you!”
Paula who isn’t impressed says, “Come get you some, honey!“ Then delivers a blood-curdling laugh that startles all dogs in a six block radius, making them howl and bark.
After setting her arm load of ingredients on the counter, Rachael removed two bay leaves from the container. Like an Italian ninja, she screams, “RAGU!” slinging them at Paula like throwing stars.
Paula protects herself holding up a plate of biscuits 2 of which immediately get pierced by the blade like leaves. Okay Missy, now you ruined my momma’s famous biscuits. And I’m gonna make you pay! You know us Southern gals love to deep fry stuff, how ‘bout a taste?
Paula picked up two Fried Chicken drum sticks, one in each hand and approached Rachael who quickly reached into her pasta pot, pulling out two wet, flimsy lasagna noodles which she distributed evenly, one in each hand and once again stood at the ready. As Paula lumbered forward, she bit into one of the drum sticks ripping off a hunk which she quickly spat at Rachael.
Landing in her hair, Rachael screamed, “Yuck! I can’t believe you just did that.” Paula took another step, holding the other drum stick like a hair brush and used it to grease a long swath of Rachael’s hair putting a shiny streak down the length of it.
Rachael countered by swinging one of those wet lasagna noodles at Paula. With a very loud smack, the wide noodle stuck to Paula’s face. Paula moaned as she swiped at the noodle with the bitten drum stick, then gasped as it dislodged from her skin taking with it at least a ½ inch layer of make-up.
“How dare you mess with my face. Here, have a bite of chicken!” Paula thrusts the bitten drummer directly into the face of Rachael who unsuccessfully attempts to block it with a quick flick of the other noodle. Failing to block it, she quickly gets a mouth full of greasy drum stick. “How’s that for a thirty minute meal?” Paula asks.
Figuring the chicken mixed with Paula’s make-up would taste terrible, Rachael was pleasantly surprised to find out that it wasn’t make-up at all; it was, in fact cream cheese! At this realization, Rachael yelled as she chewed, “Yummo!”
Realizing that her lasagna noodles were no match for Paula’s drum sticks, Rachael quickly changes strategies and opens a bag of ziti.
Paula says, “What are you gonna do with those, shoot Italian spit-wads at me?” Amusing herself with the Italian reference, she again releases that spine tingling laughter.
“No no baby. You’re not getting off that easy.” Rachael answered. “I’m going to suck up some of my famous pasta sauce and shoot it at you, like this!” She forgets just how hot her sauce is as she pulls a mouthful from the pot. As she shoots a red stream of sauce at Paula, she screams, sounding like a tortured cat. The sound of her scream is enough to make Paula wince.
Paula once again advances, but the sauce that is on the floor makes her footing unsteady, and she slips. Reaching out, she grabs a hold of Rachael’s blouse and they both go down. Side by side, sitting there on the floor the two women look at each other and burst out laughing.
Here, you want the other drum stick?” Paula asks.
“Sure, they are delish!” Rachael returns. “You want to try my sauce?”
Ruining the grits, Paula who, a moment ago wasn’t actually angry, becomes infuriated. So at the speed of an angry southern gal, she picks up that hot pan of ruined grits and slings it toward Rachael, who is standing at-the-ready.
Thinking the grits were meant for her, Rachael quickly steps aside just as she discovered they were actually meant to land on her movie night pizza. Rachael could be heard saying,, “One thing you don’t do honey , is mess with an Italian girl’s pizza.
Rachael picks up the pizza pan, sliding the now ruined pizza onto the counter, and runs to the fridge. She pulls out some cream, 2 kinds of cheese, a pound and a half of spinach, a pound of bacon, a half gallon of orange juice, a carton of chicken stock and a bunch of Italian parsley.
With all these items in hand, she quickly trots over toward the pantry keeping her eyes on Paula, and pulls out a can of black beans, a can of chicken broth, 3 boxes of elbow noodles, a pound of cornbread mix, a box of baking soda and one small package of bay leaves. Turning toward Paula holding up the bay leaves she says, “These are for you!”
Paula who isn’t impressed says, “Come get you some, honey!“ Then delivers a blood-curdling laugh that startles all dogs in a six block radius, making them howl and bark.
After setting her arm load of ingredients on the counter, Rachael removed two bay leaves from the container. Like an Italian ninja, she screams, “RAGU!” slinging them at Paula like throwing stars.
Paula protects herself holding up a plate of biscuits 2 of which immediately get pierced by the blade like leaves. Okay Missy, now you ruined my momma’s famous biscuits. And I’m gonna make you pay! You know us Southern gals love to deep fry stuff, how ‘bout a taste?
Paula picked up two Fried Chicken drum sticks, one in each hand and approached Rachael who quickly reached into her pasta pot, pulling out two wet, flimsy lasagna noodles which she distributed evenly, one in each hand and once again stood at the ready. As Paula lumbered forward, she bit into one of the drum sticks ripping off a hunk which she quickly spat at Rachael.
Landing in her hair, Rachael screamed, “Yuck! I can’t believe you just did that.” Paula took another step, holding the other drum stick like a hair brush and used it to grease a long swath of Rachael’s hair putting a shiny streak down the length of it.
Rachael countered by swinging one of those wet lasagna noodles at Paula. With a very loud smack, the wide noodle stuck to Paula’s face. Paula moaned as she swiped at the noodle with the bitten drum stick, then gasped as it dislodged from her skin taking with it at least a ½ inch layer of make-up.
“How dare you mess with my face. Here, have a bite of chicken!” Paula thrusts the bitten drummer directly into the face of Rachael who unsuccessfully attempts to block it with a quick flick of the other noodle. Failing to block it, she quickly gets a mouth full of greasy drum stick. “How’s that for a thirty minute meal?” Paula asks.
Figuring the chicken mixed with Paula’s make-up would taste terrible, Rachael was pleasantly surprised to find out that it wasn’t make-up at all; it was, in fact cream cheese! At this realization, Rachael yelled as she chewed, “Yummo!”
Realizing that her lasagna noodles were no match for Paula’s drum sticks, Rachael quickly changes strategies and opens a bag of ziti.
Paula says, “What are you gonna do with those, shoot Italian spit-wads at me?” Amusing herself with the Italian reference, she again releases that spine tingling laughter.
“No no baby. You’re not getting off that easy.” Rachael answered. “I’m going to suck up some of my famous pasta sauce and shoot it at you, like this!” She forgets just how hot her sauce is as she pulls a mouthful from the pot. As she shoots a red stream of sauce at Paula, she screams, sounding like a tortured cat. The sound of her scream is enough to make Paula wince.
Paula once again advances, but the sauce that is on the floor makes her footing unsteady, and she slips. Reaching out, she grabs a hold of Rachael’s blouse and they both go down. Side by side, sitting there on the floor the two women look at each other and burst out laughing.
Here, you want the other drum stick?” Paula asks.
“Sure, they are delish!” Rachael returns. “You want to try my sauce?”
“Naw” , Paula ansers. “I hate Italian.”
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Coming soon: Alton vs. Emeril
Come back soon and find out what happens.
___________________________
Coming soon: Alton vs. Emeril
Come back soon and find out what happens.
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