Home Improvement: Lessons Learned (Humorous)

by Daniel Taverne
I don't know how many times I've stood looking out my back door, scratching my head, asking myself, "What is going on around here!?" Eventually, I chalked the mystery up to a cosmic force within my back wall; a powerful magnetic force that's attracting junk I never knew I had. Truly, this force exists in varying strengths throughout my home. It's this force that is additionally responsible for all the stuff piled in the center of my closet floor and my daughters toy box where allot of my stuff ends up. This force is also located in the kitchen, in various spots where the counters and the walls meet, as evidenced by the piles of old junk mail, coupons, empty medicine bottles, jewelry and other stuff.

While standing there one day still scratching my head, I began thinking about doing something about the terrible state of affairs outside my back door. My dissatisfaction wasn't limited to all the junk along the back wall, it was also due to the fact that it didn't matter what I did, grass simply would not grow back there. Little did I know that the solutions I entertained that day would lead to an epiphany: A shed and a brick patio.

Thankfully, I now have my shed and brick patio. It wasn't a complete 'joy-ride' getting to this point, but I've learned a few things along the way that I feel inclined to share with you here. Hopefully you will read something here that helps make your project go a little smoother and maybe even a little cheaper.

The first thing I learned was that I should have looked through books and magazines for pictures of thing similar to what I wanted. I could have drove around town, knocking on doors, looking at other peoples patio's until I found one similar to what I wanted, and I could have then took some snap shots to show my contractor afterward. Sadly, I don't know how much time I wasted trying to explain to my masonry contractor that I wanted a pattern that was like, "This way and that." As I moved both my hands simultaneously in a lunatic like manner, I swear I saw the bricklayers eyes cross as I stubbornly repeated my explanation the fifth time.
The second thing I learned is that I should have found a dog sitter for Spike, right from the start. I can't tell you how many times the bricklayer said he had to wrestle his trowel from the slimy jaws of Spike before I witnessed it with my own eyes and finally did something about it. Additionally, Spike is responsible for my having to pay for a new wheel barrel tire since he bit and flattened one as one of the guys pushed a full load of mortar across the yard; what a mess it made.

I learned the next lesson thanks to my neighbor, Bob. After my patio was finally finished, Bob had an exact replica of my patio built in his back yard. He then had the nerve to brag to me about how he saved $500.00 just by digging the footings and moving the brick around from the front to the back, himself. In addition, he went on an on about how I spent too much money, and he didn't hesitate to let all our neighbors know how immeasurably superior his intelligence is to mine. What he told everyone was, after receiving the bid proposals, I should have asked the contractors what I could do to cut down on labor costs, like he did. Fed up with Bobs preaching, I told him that if he didn't shut up I'd be telling his wife about those three speeding tickets he was given the last time we went fishing together.

The price tag on the next lesson learned makes me want to cry. Initially, I bragged because of how cheaply I was getting off after receiving a bid that was 30% less than the next lowest bid. I, as sure as I'm sitting here, threw some money away by choosing to hire that cheapest contractor without first checking his references. I hired that contractor because I knew the sister of the contractor who said her brother did that kind of work and was really good. She couldn't have been more wrong.

It should have clued me in right away (that they didn't know what they were doing) when I said to them, "A herring bone would be nice, but a running bond is fine too. What do you think? And the contractor suddenly looked confused like I was speaking in tongues or something. He stared inquisitively at my mouth as if $100.00 bills were coming out of it like an A.T.M.. They may as well have been because after a week my patio was looking like a monkey laid the bricks. I had to pay them for their time before I could let them go and hire someone else who had to tear up what they laid and start over.

I found the second crew by asking the clerk at the brick Supply Company if she could refer me to a reputable contractor. After producing a list of company names, the clerk suggested a few who handled the type of brickwork I needed. This second contractor did a great job.