Beware: Old Weapons with New Packaging (Humorous)

Handle with Care:
History and Dangers of two Lethal Weapons
By Daniel Taverne

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, “Better watch out, your gonna open a can of whoop ass!” The same goes for hearing people describe how they got a ‘case of the red ass. These illiterations have always intrigued me so, I finally decided to investigate them. To my amazement, what I’ve discovered is that they are not just illiterations. In fact, I’ve found that they have been around for a long time.

Apparently, the citizens of Boston Massachusetts were the first people on earth to discover whoop-ass. In fact, whoop-ass was discovered aboard the ships, of the Boston tea party. It seems whoop-ass wasn’t packed in cans back then, , it was crudely packed in crates and carefully stored in the ships belly. It is unclear exactly where those crates of whoop-ass came from, but it is believed that aliens were observing the americans struggling against the odds to be independent, and decided to even the odds by bestowing upon us the power of the whoop-ass by placing crates of it where Americans would find them.

Shortly after discovering the crates of whoop-ass, Americans endeavored to find more innovative ways to package it. In fact, the next step along the continuum of packaging was beer bottles. As crude as bottles of whoop -ass appear today, they are still occasionally found and used in bars and basement s across the nation.

The original bottles were simply rinsed out, and whoop--ass was loaded by hand. Unfortunately, many people were accidentally beaten to death when whoop-ass unintentionally discharged. Eventually, Americans ‘wised up’ and learned to carefully insert whoop-ass with a whoop-ass loader. Whoop-ass loaders were pieces of equipment that allowed the whoop-ass technician to load the bottles without accidental beatings taking place. This allowed the minute men , the meridian army to carry whoop-ass around with them where ever they went., and could be used at a moments notice.

The packaging of whoop-ass was bottled this way until WWII when hundreds of bottles of 2hoop-ass were broken as paratroopers landed on the ground. This problem necessitated repackaging . Fortunately, newly discovered tin proved to be the perfect storage medium. Tin was formed into cans and the cans were then loaded on assembly lines across America.
Another significant discovery was made about this time. Evidence suggests that upon observing Hitler’s terrible deeds, aliens once again stepped in and placed cases full of a powerful item where Americans could find them. This new item known as ‘Red Ass” came along at just the right time because cans of whoop-ass could fit snuggly inside the cases that red-ass came in.
It’s unclear exactly how red-ass works, however when utilized in conjunction with cans of whoop-ass you can bet there is either going to be a really big mess, someone’s going to be bleeding or both.

Modern cases of red-ass and cans of whoop-ass come in varying sizes, strengths and speeds. In fact, Americans have built really big boats to accommodate /carry devastating cans of whoop-ass with a range of up to 40 miles!. Marines aboard ship also carry cans of whoop ass with them on any mission they are given. Navy seals have cans of dehydrated whoop-ass tailored especially for their needs, And, they are packed inside waterproof cases of red-ass. Dehydrating whoop-ass allows military people to pack a whole lot of whoop-ass within one can. To use this whoop-ass all they have to do is add water.

Wives and mothers have their own cans and cases. They try to keep theirs out of reach of their children, and out of sight of husbands. Unfortunately, their children/husband finds one or the other and accidentally discharges it. Wife’s/mothers cases of red ass is particularly powerful, and should not be placed within easy access to anyone. Storing it under the kitchen sink is a common place to find it, but it is also a dangerous place since most cans of whoop-ass are also stored there. God forbid these compounds should ever mix the result could be unspeakable. As a matter of fact, the Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol and Fire Arms is trying to make it a federal law to mix these without a licensee.

While researching these volatile weapons, I came across two additional items that have been incorporated in cans of whoop-ass and cases of red-ass for years. It was determined after extensive experimentation in the 1980’s that incorporating these two items was a task best suited for trained professionals. This conclusion came about after hundreds of technicians filed for workman’s compensation due to unpredicted discharges (of whoop-ass and red ass) had workers beating each other to bloody pulps on a regular basis.

In the 1980’s , It was discovered that thousands of people were mailing cans of whoop-ass and cases of red-ass within the same packages they used to mail their short fuses and hair triggers. It was further discovered that although these items were regularly packed inside bubble wrap, postal workers regularly came in contact with packages that had either whoop-ass leaking from them, or red-ass showing through them. Unfortunately, there were rare occasions when a hair trigger, or short fuse came in contact with red-ass or whoop-ass and subsequent shootings and severe beatings took place. As a result of the postal worker incidents, public law PL 121.2a was instituted making it a federal crime to transport whoop-ass, red ass, hair triggers and/or short fuses through the postal system.

Finally, just as yesterday, cases of red ass and cans of whoop-ass are nothing to play around with. History has taught us not to open them unless we intend to use them, and even if the cases and cans are believed to be empty, they need to be treated as if they are loaded.