One Word Wonders (Humorous)

By Daniel Taverne

I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase, “One hit wonders”, well I have a new concept that I’d like to talk about. This new concept that I call, “One word wonders” are words that make me wonder. For instance, some of these words may be rarely heard and, though they could be used in more than one context, for some reason they usually aren’t. Also, one word wonders can include words that simply sound funny, and/or don’t quite label things quite right, leaving room for them to be made fun of. Fortunately, since I have the power to define this new concept, I have expanded the definition to include any word I could think of to use as the butt of a joke.

Take the National Anthem for example. In our National Anthem, there is the word, “Spangled” which we never hear anywhere else. Oh, we could use it if we chose to, but no one ever thinks to use it in other ways. Here is an example of using the word in another context. You could walk up to a girl and tell her she has a pimple spangled face. See what I mean, doesn’t quite work does it?


Another word that caught my attention came about as I was describing my daughter’s bedroom. I told her that it looks like a pig sty! What is a sty anyway? I don’t even know how to spell it. Why are there pig sties, but no chicken or cow sties?

What about doing a “Wheelie”? Everyone knows what it is, but no one ever uses the word “tiree”. Why not? And, when someone pops a wheelie, they are not actually popping a wheel, they are popping the front end up in the air. So, shouldn’t it really be called a frontie?

What about the word flatuate? I think most people know what this word means, but no one ever uses it. These three syllables are a whole lot easier to say than, “Ripped a good one”, and just about as easy as saying, “Cut the cheese”. So, why don’t people use “flatuate” more often? I’ll tell you why: It’s because flatuate isn’t as fun to say! Yes, it’s as simple as that.

I think the word “bowling” also qualifies as a one word wonder because it is used only to label the sport of knocking down oddly shaped wooden pins with large, heavy balls. You know, for the life of me I can’t figure out why they would label the sport bowling since bowls play no part in the sport at all. If, though, bowling refers to the “bowling over” of the pins then I suggest the sport should more appropriately be named knocking, since this label makes much more sense. In addition, I would rethink the labeling of the sport’s equipment, so no longer would people be playing with their balls, they would instead be playing with their knockers.

Even according to my definition of what a one-word-wonder is, I’m not sure if the following word applies since I’m not sure that it’s a word at all. I’m talking about the “Mart” you find in the names of some well known department stores. I’m sure you know which two stores in particular I’m talking about. Well what about it? People don’t say I have to go to the mart, do they? I hardly even ever hear anyone say “market”, but if we are to assume that mart is some kind of contraction meant to mean market, then why aren’t other words contracted that way, and why wasn’t I taught this form of contraction in school? If other words were made contractions in similar ways then “laundry might be known as” lay”, and movie might be known as” me”. Come to think of it, these two examples have me hoping “mart” isn’t some weird contraction after all.

Here’s another word: “Hoedown” What in the world is a hoe-down? I assume it refers to a tradition that took place on the farms of America in the past. The word might have been used to describe a gathering of farmers in a field, with garden tools, to hoe-down some rows. If this is true, then how did hoe-down, a word that sounds like allot of work to me, come to mean party, or a gathering of people to play music, dance and drink? Your guess is as good as mine.

This word just came to me: Barbells. You do know what barbells are, don’t you? Yes, the word barbells refer to a set of weights designed to be lifted through the use of a metal rod, or bar. This definition explains the ‘bar’ portion of the word, but how in the world do you explain the ‘bells’ part? As far as I’m concerned, the word barbells sounds like a musical instrument that is so easy to play that even drunk people can play them. To that end, barbells sound as if they should be played in a bar, on a bar, and played by striking them with a bar. What do you think?

Another one word wonder that comes to mind is cognition. Who in the world thinks up these words anyway. This word sounds like it’s related to transmission, and/or ignition in some way, doesn’t it? Yes, when I hear this word, cognition, it sounds like something I should be able to buy in an auto parts store. You know, sitting here thinking about this word I just had an idea for a new word. This new word would also qualify as a one word wonder, and its meaning would be aimed at people who lack common sense, and/or are confused the majority of the time. You could say they have poor cognition, or you could say they are in a state of complete fognition.

Another word we hear in one context only is “awkward”. Tell me, where in the world “awk” came from. “It sounds allot like somebody choking on a chain saw, doesn’t it? If the “ward” part of the word implies motion, as in forward and backward, and, if awk implies that someone is uncoordinated, or a feeling of discomfort then why don’t people leave off the “ward” part, and just say “awk” instead? It seems obvious to me that instead of saying someone is awkward, that saying someone is awkish makes more sense.

Finally, in no way is this the complete list of one word wonders. In fact, I’m sure if you gave it a little thought, you could come up with a few of your own to amuse yourself and your friends with. Sometimes, after I make up one word wonders, such as fognition, I find I have fresh material that I can use to make my wife and daughter laugh. You know, I’ve been told that laughter is a healing physiological reaction , and the more of it we do, the better off we are.